random thoughts at 3 am

~ this is the second of my old posts. i wrote this out of disappointment and dissatisfaction in life... : (

random thoughts @ 3am

August 29, 2008 by lei23-sc | Edit

Nothing in particular for me to talk about. But for the sake of updating my blog site, i am writing this entry hoping thoughts would randomly pour out of my head once i start hitting the keyboard. 

My shoutout (from my friendster profile) may not seem catchy at all. In fact, its just one of those quotes, lines or sayings one have probably seen in a book, in one of those published articles perhaps, or heard maybe from some famous personality interviewed on tv. Whew! Notice how i redundantly used the words probably, perhaps and maybe in one sentence. they all mean the same I know. But what the heck, this is my space, my page and my thought. Not going to be edited by some heartless and ruthless english teacher in high school who wouldn’t care less but mark your composed theme with red ink for reasons that you violated one of those shitty grammar rules. Back to my shoutout, it clearly depicts may I say, of how my life, even with my unwillingness, slowly transpired from scenarios of good and happy times to disheartening ones. Sad episodes unfolded one by one right before my very eyes. And i am stuck. Not that I don’t want to move, but in which direction, confuses me greatly. People say that when you hit the bottom, there’s no where else to go but up. But why I’ve never seen this happening yet? 

 

I know you’ve probably heard this more than once in your life but let me reiterate. When I was in my elem. years, I wished i’d graduate so that I could move to the city for high school and widen my crowd so as to slowly get rid of my fraidy little girl image. Came high school, I wished I could fast-forward the years so that I’d hit college and have the time of my life. This time in a much bigger city. When I entered college, I again wanted to end the five-year agony so I could land on a decent job and earn just enough to sustain my partying days. After my first job, I wished again that years would be swift so that I could resign and get a better job in order to afford the necessary gadgets to be at par in this “techie” society as what they call it. A few more months and I’ll be culminating to a five-year stint in this hospital. And then again, i am wishing I could find a much better job than what I have right now. In the hope that this time the pay could afford me a nice-ass condo I mostly see on flyers distributed by some agents in malls or billboards along EDSA.

The truth is, things doesn’t get better along the way. It’s a misconception and misleading. I am not being pessimistic but just realistic. Much to my chagrin, this is how life presents itself. Full of sentiments and compliments. But what i really mean to impart is that appreciate what you have now and do everything as crazy as the famous quotes, sayings or lines from your favorite movies or books teach you because you’re going to miss half of your bloody life when you don’t. Time plays a crucial part, and shouldn’t be taken for granted. 

Despite things getting infinitely worse, I still have God. And when I think about my dad, I think of God. 

of moving on

~ this is the first of my old posts extracted from my old blog site. i especially wrote this for my Dad, in his memory.

Of Moving On…

 January 3, 2008 by lei23-sc | Edit

   

“ I look at life as a gift of God. Now that he wants it back, I have no right to complain”.- Anonymous

 

We don’t have control on most events. We all experience emotional pain in our lives. Someone close to us will eventually die. A friend or a lover will betray us. We will lose our jobs or not get the one we really wanted. And I have difficulty with processing these issues.

 

Two months ago I called my dad wanting to know how he has been being in the hospital. After the usual talk, we said our "take cares" and hung up, not knowing that it would be my last conversation with him. All I knew was that each time I talked to my dad, his voice sounded more tired, and I was beginning to accept that it was no longer if, but when, the day would come that I wouldn’t hear it anymore.

 

My father was the strongest figure in our house. We all depended on him as he ran the house remarkably well the best way he can. He was an intelligent and honest man, quiet and barely associates with people. He takes pleasure in the company of few and chosen ones whom he trusts and depends on. He and my mom was a success in married life. The years had held many valleys and peaks for them as they raised us, their three children.

 

I remember how good it felt when my dad used to cuddle me up on the couch when I was little or carry me in his arms. I can still remember how strong his voice was and how safe I felt. As the youngest, I take pride in saying that I was his favorite, daddy’s girl, yes I was and will always be. As a child, he used to tell me lots of stories and taught me important and essential lessons in life as I grow along. We exchanged opinions and perspectives on political and economic issues ( we both love to read the daily paper). He believed in my strengths and capabilities and showed unwavering support and love as I trudged along the roads of my journey. But most of all, we shared the same dreams, dreams that we created and interwoven as the years we’re passing by on us. I couldn’t explain all of the millions of ways he makes me feel so special.

 

That fateful November 12, my dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I felt my world had stopped and crashed around me. I had my first taste of dealing with death, and losing someone I dearly love. But when I looked at him he looked so happy and serene. He went to Heaven that day. He seemed to know he was going and was happy about it. I rejoice to know that he is there, with Jesus, well and whole, and that I will see him again one day. He has led a simple yet meaningful life that inspires me to live mine to the fullest. 

 

As what in one of the Grey's Anatomy episode conveys, "Time takes pleasure in kicking our assess. Even the strongest of us, it seems to play tricks, slowing down, hovering until it freezes, leaving us stuck in the moment unable to move in one direction or the other. Time flies, time waits for no man. Time heal all wounds. All of us want is more time. Time to stand up, time to grow up. Time to let go. The reality is, pain is there to tell us something."

 

My life has changed dramatically. From now on, I will invest in the people in my life that I care most about. I’ll face life with less fear than I did before, knowing that life only comes around once and somehow things will work out. It is clear that I am more settled person and possesses a true sense of meaning.